casperdisaster | IC Inbox

You don't understand.

[It's less the wail of despair than it was back at Monmouth, when he was lamenting his own decay. It's a quiet, resigned repetition. You don't understand, and Noah can't explain, can't ever find the right words for it. His hands are cold, curled against Gansey's chest, but he can't bring himself to pull away.]

Then help me understand. If you really don't want this, I'll respect that. But...you aren't going to save me from the reality of you, Noah, because I'll still be right beside you, just a step further away.

[the words are a quiet plea into noah's hair, breath a hot puff over his head. gansey isn't warm as he was, but he's still warmer than noah's ghost-cold skin.]

[When you're dead, everyone feels warm if they've got any heat to them at all, and Noah selfishly soaks it up since Gansey has yet to push him away. He continues to be cold, he'll just have to run himself into exhaustion, he's too deep into a rut of melancholy now.]

I don't even know what 'this' is.

[It's also selfish, making Gansey define it. Noah was perfectly content to not do so, to leave it unspoken to be whatever was comfortable, but if Gansey keeps treating it like a real thing then he'll leave it to Gansey to give it a name. Gansey is so much better at naming than Noah.]

[noah soaks up his warmth and gansey selfishly lets it happen, because he doesn't want to let go.]

I think that's not really true at all, Noah.

[his tone contains only the tiniest drop of reprimand, but noah's right. gansey is the one who names things.]

Usually when two friends keep ending up sleeping in the same bed holding each other and finding excuses to spend time together alone and kissing and...wanting to do more than kissing, that could be considered being in a relationship.

[there's more he wants to say, more his mind keeps barreling forward with, but his words stop there.]

Edited 2015-08-18 02:51 (UTC)

[A relationship is still a frightening thing, but less frightening than outright declarations of feelings. Relationships can still be casual, Noah's had plenty of casual relationships, so he knows. That isn't what this is and it isn't what he actually wants, not either thing by a long shot, but Noah wants most right now to be comforted and he's willing to believe many things that aren't true in order to obtain that comfort. So. 'A relationship'. Perfectly vague and inoffensive.]

... I could do a relationship. [Noah's words are quiet, ponderously slow and audibly hesitant. He swallows, presses his face against the skin of Gansey's shoulder.]

You know. If you're sure.

[gansey lets noah have his thinking time, just breathing into his hair and rubbing his back. this is one of those ponderous fulcrum moments, he knows, where the world changes one way or the other.

when noah finally does answer, gansey lets out the breath he didn't realize he was holding, and lets his head fall to noah's shoulder, dropping a little kiss there.]

I'm sure.

Okay then.

[Such a big decision passing with so little fanfare. Noah slowly begins to warm again under his own power as Gansey rubs at his back, kisses his shoulder. He's still quite afraid, but he can't maintain the corpse chill for very long without exhausting himself. He feels that exhaustion creeping in at the edges of consciousness as the cold recedes, though Noah struggles to fight it back and stay awake. He doesn't want to sleep yet.]

Okay.

[gansey doesn't mind just holding noah like this as he warms up, as he adjusts to the idea of giving this thing they have a name. it's gratifying to feel that warmth creep back into noah's body, even if it does come with exhaustion. it leaves him wondering if noah doesn't know, doesn't understand, or just isn't ready to accept the truth of the thing, but that can wait for a little while. gansey will take what he can get. this is good, holding noah as he relaxes, his breath slowly warming on gansey's neck.]

You can sleep. I'm not going anywhere.

[Noah intentionally doesn't know. If he doesn't know, he can't be held responsible for it, right? For all that Noah prefers to follow, when it comes to his own feelings he'd rather take his time meandering down that path on his own, where he doesn't have to worry about getting someone else lost if they don't lead to the same place.

So he's taking it slow, torturously slow, because the only thing more frightening is making a mistake.]

I don't want to sleep. Shotgun moved.

[that particular brand of lying to himself has never particularly worked for gansey--he was taught young that his actions, the impressions he made on others, and sometimes even the actions of others, these things were all his responsibility.

but noah is coming around, slowly, to the truths gansey already knows. this is a step closer, even if it does end in noah petulantly bitching about the disappearance of his hideous cat-thing. he can only hope that the thing grows on him the way chainsaw did, because shotgun doesn't even have the excuse of being born from ronan's dreams to make her the slightest bit more endearing, although the noises she makes are measurably less horrible than the infant raven's had been.]

She'll come back when you warm up the rest of the way.

[Noah smiles a little, because... because sometimes Gansey is so oblivious it's really so damn adorable. Another facet, something genuine and sweet that he's not going to look too hard at because if he did he'd be forced to admit Gansey was right, and he's not sure he's ready to do that yet. Much safer to just admire Gansey and take that at face value rather than putting it against everything else. A puzzle is perfectly wonderful in pieces in the box.

It hadn't been petulant bitching that Noah's cat was gone. He'd said he couldn't move before to turn and kiss Gansey because Shotgun would be woken up. Now Shotgun is already woken up and probably trying to see if Adam's door is open to snuggle up with him instead.

He tries to hide the crooked grin that threatens to creep out onto his lips, that'd give the game away.]

Probably. Would you be okay with warming me up until then?

[it takes a moment for him to catch on, but gansey's smile quirks against noah's hair, as though he might possibly be catching on.]

Of course. You already knew that.

Mmmhmm.

[Noah shifts in Gansey's arms, putting enough space between them that he can rest his head against the pillow next to Gansey rather than use Gansey's shoulder as a pillow. His legs are still somewhat draped over Gansey's, slowly uncurling from being tucked close against him, but not quite leaving his side in the process.

He's too tired for much more than kissing, which is probably a good thing. Kissing, though, Noah can do. By the time he leans in to brush his lips against Gansey's he's almost as warm as he should be, even.]

[gansey makes a soft sound as noah kisses him, smiling against his mouth, one of his hands catching and cradling noah's head. the other boy has gone suddenly warmer in his arms, and gansey keeps his kisses soft and sweet, only slowly teasing at his mouth with little licks and nips.]

[It's just kissing, that's all Noah has the energy for, but when Gansey licks at his lips it's hard to not want more, and Noah can't resist opening his mouth to the kiss. Gansey doesn't have a shirt to hold on to, so Noah caresses his skin with feather-light touches from his fingertips instead.]

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