casperdisaster | IC Inbox

[Noah needs to say 'yes'. It's just one word and it can fix everything. It'll hurt, letting Gansey think he's rejected, but it'll be for the best. He can find someone else to keep him occupied here, someone who isn't incomplete, stuck between alive and dead without being either. Adam and Ronan won't look at him funny, won't call it a 'weird thing' he's got going with Gansey even without knowing what it is, won't hate him when they find out because there won't be anything to find out.

One word, one syllable, he needs to say it.

He doesn't realize how cold he's gone until there's a soft sound something like a meow and a squeak down by his feet as Shotgun sits up, startled by the chill. He hadn't realized he'd let his hand slide over Gansey's as well and he abruptly lets go, God, he's got to be freezing cold. There's probably no need to say anything, no one wants to touch him like this.

With any luck there's no need to say anything, because the word sticks in his throat. Noah normally has no problem with lying, with putting the needs of others before his own. He just needs to say 'yes', but when he opens his mouth no sound comes out at all.]

[noah goes from sleep-warm to freezing cold in a sort enough time to startle his hideous cat, and gansey too. he expected an easy yes or no, but this is something else entirely. noah goes cold when he's afraid, and gansey's thoughts go from the painful tangle of rejection to a strange jumble of rejection and concern, the sort of concern that comes up deep and unbidden and automatic because gansey cares infinitely more about noah than he does about finding reasons to dislike and pity himself.

his arm tightens automatically, more or less lifting noah to slide his other arm under his neck so that it can loop around to pet noah's hair, and it's all gentleness and love, love love. gansey is so good at loving and so bad at hiding it, even though expressing it sometimes goes equally as wrong.]

Noah, hey now. It's just me. What are you afraid of?

[Feelings are never an easy yes or no, not when they're Noah's feelings. Well, it works as a mood killer at least, even if what he was hoping for was Gansey getting fed up, Gansey leaving, because when Gansey pulls him closer all Noah can do is crowd as close to Gansey as possible. He rolls onto his back, because Shotgun is now already disturbed and annoyed, stomping around at the foot of the bed before hopping off of it to seek someplace warmer, curls up tight against Gansey's chest. He's cold as a corpse and Gansey is so very warm.]

I don't want you to go.

[The confession is a melancholy one, Noah's voice thick with guilt when he finally gets the quietly spoken words out.]

Then I won't go.

[he gathers noah up tight, tucks his chilled face into his neck and holds him despite the fact that he's uncomfortably cold against gansey's bare skin. it seems insignificant at the moment, when something is so very wrong. it's not as though noah can take anything from gansey besides his physical body heat; he doesn't have the right kind of energy for that.]

Why do you make that sound like it's a bad thing? What's going on in that pretty head of yours?

I shouldn't have said it.

[It's awful. Noah is awful and selfish and when he gets into his melancholy moods it's so difficult to pull him out of them. Back at Monmouth they were short bursts of despair before he faded, returning sometime later back to normal. There's no disappearing now, like this, and he has to ride it out and it's awful. Feelings are awful. His voice is muffled against Gansey's skin, so quiet.]

I should have just said yes.

Not if it isn't true, you shouldn't have.

[the thing is, gansey spent almost the entire time since they arrived in this place dealing with noah's fear, with his own demons, with adam and ronan tearing at themselves and each other, with ramsey, who is undoubtedly completely insane but who gansey can bring back from inside his head. his masks are chipped and faded from disuse, his nerves closer to the surface but his patience grown long and steady for what he thinks is worth it. noah has been worth it since day one, since the first text message, since the first train stop, and he's worth it now. gansey rubs his back, pets the fine fluff of his hair, pulls the blanket around them close and tight.]

Why would you want to lie?

Because.

[It's the only answer Noah gives at first, curled against Gansey. He doesn't get any warmer, staying so cold he may as well be dead except for the fact that he's so very solid still. He'd vanish if he didn't have a body. He's drawing off his own energy to make the cold, not Cabeswater's, so it will just end with him exhausted and grumpy like a two year old in need of a nap later down the line - sooner rather than later with the steady force of it.]

Because then you'd hurt for a little while, but then it'd be over. Not like... trying to weather this. Weather me.

You're not a storm. You're Noah.

[gansey gives noah a gentle little shake, affectionate but also a little stern.]

You don't get it, do you? I know what you are. I know you think that missing pieces makes you less than a whole. I don't care. We're all missing pieces, Noah. We've all lost parts of ourselves that aren't ever coming back. When have I ever loved something because it was whole and flawless?

[feelings are awful, especially when they're true and honest and raw.]

[Noah isn't sure he is a storm either. A storm has some graceful natural beauty about it even in its destruction. Alive, Noah thinks he's more like a wildfire in the dry season, caused by some dumbass who throws a lit cigarette out his car window without thinking. And Gansey uses that word again, the L-word, so full of so much terrifying possibility, a responsibility to heavy it makes Noah's chest ache like a great weight is resting on it.]

You deserve better.

Bullshit. People don't get what they deserve. Look at...look at any of us. I don't care what anyone thinks I deserve, I care about what I choose.

[his fingers run through noah's hair, and he rests his nose and mouth against it, breathing in slowly and out just as slow.]

The ley line didn't give us any choice about being connected. You didn't deserve what Whelk did, just like I didn't do anything to deserve to survive that day. That was something bigger than either of us. But at Monmouth, on the train, at the stops...that was all exactly as big as you and me, Noah. You being the you that you are now...what's wrong with me choosing that?

You don't understand.

[It's less the wail of despair than it was back at Monmouth, when he was lamenting his own decay. It's a quiet, resigned repetition. You don't understand, and Noah can't explain, can't ever find the right words for it. His hands are cold, curled against Gansey's chest, but he can't bring himself to pull away.]

Then help me understand. If you really don't want this, I'll respect that. But...you aren't going to save me from the reality of you, Noah, because I'll still be right beside you, just a step further away.

[the words are a quiet plea into noah's hair, breath a hot puff over his head. gansey isn't warm as he was, but he's still warmer than noah's ghost-cold skin.]

[When you're dead, everyone feels warm if they've got any heat to them at all, and Noah selfishly soaks it up since Gansey has yet to push him away. He continues to be cold, he'll just have to run himself into exhaustion, he's too deep into a rut of melancholy now.]

I don't even know what 'this' is.

[It's also selfish, making Gansey define it. Noah was perfectly content to not do so, to leave it unspoken to be whatever was comfortable, but if Gansey keeps treating it like a real thing then he'll leave it to Gansey to give it a name. Gansey is so much better at naming than Noah.]

[noah soaks up his warmth and gansey selfishly lets it happen, because he doesn't want to let go.]

I think that's not really true at all, Noah.

[his tone contains only the tiniest drop of reprimand, but noah's right. gansey is the one who names things.]

Usually when two friends keep ending up sleeping in the same bed holding each other and finding excuses to spend time together alone and kissing and...wanting to do more than kissing, that could be considered being in a relationship.

[there's more he wants to say, more his mind keeps barreling forward with, but his words stop there.]

Edited 2015-08-18 02:51 (UTC)

[A relationship is still a frightening thing, but less frightening than outright declarations of feelings. Relationships can still be casual, Noah's had plenty of casual relationships, so he knows. That isn't what this is and it isn't what he actually wants, not either thing by a long shot, but Noah wants most right now to be comforted and he's willing to believe many things that aren't true in order to obtain that comfort. So. 'A relationship'. Perfectly vague and inoffensive.]

... I could do a relationship. [Noah's words are quiet, ponderously slow and audibly hesitant. He swallows, presses his face against the skin of Gansey's shoulder.]

You know. If you're sure.

[gansey lets noah have his thinking time, just breathing into his hair and rubbing his back. this is one of those ponderous fulcrum moments, he knows, where the world changes one way or the other.

when noah finally does answer, gansey lets out the breath he didn't realize he was holding, and lets his head fall to noah's shoulder, dropping a little kiss there.]

I'm sure.

Okay then.

[Such a big decision passing with so little fanfare. Noah slowly begins to warm again under his own power as Gansey rubs at his back, kisses his shoulder. He's still quite afraid, but he can't maintain the corpse chill for very long without exhausting himself. He feels that exhaustion creeping in at the edges of consciousness as the cold recedes, though Noah struggles to fight it back and stay awake. He doesn't want to sleep yet.]

Okay.

[gansey doesn't mind just holding noah like this as he warms up, as he adjusts to the idea of giving this thing they have a name. it's gratifying to feel that warmth creep back into noah's body, even if it does come with exhaustion. it leaves him wondering if noah doesn't know, doesn't understand, or just isn't ready to accept the truth of the thing, but that can wait for a little while. gansey will take what he can get. this is good, holding noah as he relaxes, his breath slowly warming on gansey's neck.]

You can sleep. I'm not going anywhere.

[Noah intentionally doesn't know. If he doesn't know, he can't be held responsible for it, right? For all that Noah prefers to follow, when it comes to his own feelings he'd rather take his time meandering down that path on his own, where he doesn't have to worry about getting someone else lost if they don't lead to the same place.

So he's taking it slow, torturously slow, because the only thing more frightening is making a mistake.]

I don't want to sleep. Shotgun moved.

[that particular brand of lying to himself has never particularly worked for gansey--he was taught young that his actions, the impressions he made on others, and sometimes even the actions of others, these things were all his responsibility.

but noah is coming around, slowly, to the truths gansey already knows. this is a step closer, even if it does end in noah petulantly bitching about the disappearance of his hideous cat-thing. he can only hope that the thing grows on him the way chainsaw did, because shotgun doesn't even have the excuse of being born from ronan's dreams to make her the slightest bit more endearing, although the noises she makes are measurably less horrible than the infant raven's had been.]

She'll come back when you warm up the rest of the way.

[Noah smiles a little, because... because sometimes Gansey is so oblivious it's really so damn adorable. Another facet, something genuine and sweet that he's not going to look too hard at because if he did he'd be forced to admit Gansey was right, and he's not sure he's ready to do that yet. Much safer to just admire Gansey and take that at face value rather than putting it against everything else. A puzzle is perfectly wonderful in pieces in the box.

It hadn't been petulant bitching that Noah's cat was gone. He'd said he couldn't move before to turn and kiss Gansey because Shotgun would be woken up. Now Shotgun is already woken up and probably trying to see if Adam's door is open to snuggle up with him instead.

He tries to hide the crooked grin that threatens to creep out onto his lips, that'd give the game away.]

Probably. Would you be okay with warming me up until then?

[it takes a moment for him to catch on, but gansey's smile quirks against noah's hair, as though he might possibly be catching on.]

Of course. You already knew that.

Mmmhmm.

[Noah shifts in Gansey's arms, putting enough space between them that he can rest his head against the pillow next to Gansey rather than use Gansey's shoulder as a pillow. His legs are still somewhat draped over Gansey's, slowly uncurling from being tucked close against him, but not quite leaving his side in the process.

He's too tired for much more than kissing, which is probably a good thing. Kissing, though, Noah can do. By the time he leans in to brush his lips against Gansey's he's almost as warm as he should be, even.]

[gansey makes a soft sound as noah kisses him, smiling against his mouth, one of his hands catching and cradling noah's head. the other boy has gone suddenly warmer in his arms, and gansey keeps his kisses soft and sweet, only slowly teasing at his mouth with little licks and nips.]

[It's just kissing, that's all Noah has the energy for, but when Gansey licks at his lips it's hard to not want more, and Noah can't resist opening his mouth to the kiss. Gansey doesn't have a shirt to hold on to, so Noah caresses his skin with feather-light touches from his fingertips instead.]

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