casperdisaster | IC Inbox (Hadriel)

[While Noah is not above using sad puppy eyes for manipulation, right now they're genuine. Noah rests his head against the back of the couch, listening quietly while Adam speaks.

It was a big risk he'd taken, one more done out of the fear of the potential damage being worse in a different scenario. He imagines right now it rather looks like he burned down the kitchen to avoid a house fire.

That's also not really a wrong way of looking at it.

Noah picks at a stray thread of the blanket around him, drawing his legs up to tuck his knees under his chin. There's no answer to Adam's question that doesn't require a leap of faith, one he can't ask of Adam, who has survived off of his suspicions. Especially not right after all this.]

You can't, really. [Noah sighs.] You never could.

[Adam possibly especially.]

I just thought... Fear brought out our deepest fears so easily, like it was nothing. And he acts like he still doesn't know how we work, too. [Noah could keep this city powered by his fear, there's so much of it sometimes. Even his happy times feel like there's an undercurrent of fear to them.] I kept thinking, what happens next? What if secrets come out and - and that was the worst thing I could think of, for him to find out from someone other than us.

But I did. [He says it quietly. He did trust Noah. It's a rare thing, Adam's trust, and now it's been shaken - or worse, maybe.]

I get why you did it, but it still wasn't your decision. You know that, you should have known that. If it's not your secret it's not your decision. If that's really how you felt, you should have told me.

[And he would have argued against telling Gansey, of course, Adam knows that. But they could have talked about it, at least. He could have felt like Noah cared about his privacy, about keeping his secrets safe. He doesn't, now, even if he understands why Noah did it.]

I can't keep you from knowing things, but - what am I supposed to do if I can't trust you with that knowledge, Noah?

[Noah doesn't have an answer for that. He has so few answers now, the right things to do so much less clear.

When he was dead it didn't matter. He couldn't affect anything, not really. Removed from the narrative, there was precious little he could do. Time marched onward in the same spiraling patterns over and over and over again.

Now he can speak and be heard, he still knows things, just enough to hurt others with it. Just enough rope to hang yourself with.

Noah tugs the blankets around himself more. Sometimes he feels like he's getting the hang of this being alive thing again, other times he's starkly reminded that he has no idea where he stands with any of his friends anymore, and that this is mostly his own fault.]

... I won't do it again? Especially not with Gansey, he's - ... I thought that would be different. I tried to tell him you thought you could stop it, but...

[Noah shrugs helplessly. He didn't listen doesn't really need to be said.]

[He wants to believe Noah, because Noah is one of the few people he's trusted in his life, and he doesn't want to let that go. But of course, it isn't easy. Adam is always wary. But what choice does he have, really? It's not like he can shut Noah out.

(He might be able to. He's thought about it. Cabeswater might be able to do something like that for him, if he asked. But it would mean something, if he asked, something he doesn't think he wants.)]

He's been... on the edge, I think, since we were taken from home. I'm not surprised he didn't take it well, or that he didn't - trust me.

[He's not surprised, but he isn't happy about it. He knows that things have changed between him and Gansey, but he doesn't really know why, if it's because of Ronan or because of something else. But he can't blame anyone for not trusting him. Not really. He barely trusts himself sometimes.]

It doesn't matter. I'll still do what needs to be done.

He always trusted you before, though.

[This is a thing that is deeply confusing Noah. Gansey and Adam had been so close in Henrietta, and Adam hasn't changed at all. He frowns, sighs, pulls the blankets around himself tighter. Telling Gansey was supposed to let him understand what had everyone so on edge around him, supposed to get him to trust them more so that it didn't come out thanks to some terrible event Fear put them through. Instead it just made everything worse.]

There's no reason for him not to. You always look out for him, for the blind spots he doesn't notice on himself.

There are always plenty of reasons not to trust someone, if you look for them.

[Only Gansey never really has before. Even when they've fought, even when Adam sacrificed himself to Cabeswater, Gansey still stubbornly chose to trust him. He doesn't know what's changed now, doesn't know if it was something he did or didn't do or if it's just everything that's happened. But he doesn't know if he can fix it, either, and that's the worst part.

Distrusting people has always been Adam's job. Gansey greets with open arms and a smile, Ronan generally dislikes everyone, Noah mostly avoids people, but Adam - Adam is the wary one. He still is, that hasn't changed, but it seems like so many other things have.]

Maybe it was always going to end up this way. It doesn't change anything.

I trust you. Ronan trusts you.

[Noah rests his head against the back of the couch, looking up at Adam sadly. Adam's dedication to them, to the cause, had never been in question for him. Of course, Noah could always cheat before - no need to question when there's Knowing. Like Ronan's strange faith that required none at all.]

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

[Because he isn't going to brush off the apology - he isn't going to say it's okay or it doesn't matter or don't worry about it because none of that would be true. It does matter. It changed things. But maybe things had already been changed, so maybe all it did was make them more obvious.

Adam just needs to deal with it, one way or another. That's all it comes down to.]

You trust me because we both belong to Cabeswater. Ronan trusts me because - he's Ronan. He probably shouldn't, either.

I trusted you before you were Cabeswater's.

[Not that it matters, because Adam had always been Cabeswater's, even when he wasn't. The same inevitable circle played over and over again. He still felt it needed to be said, though. Like asking questions even when he knew the answer. Rituals.]

[He looks at Noah. He knows there's more to it than that, but he appreciates the sentiment anyway.]

I know what I am. I just -

[He just always felt like Gansey thought he was more than that. Not the way Ronan does - Ronan sees something entirely different when he looks at Adam - but Gansey always seemed to think the best of him, no matter how they fought.]

I guess it doesn't matter. It's done.

[Noah doesn't want it to end this way, doesn't want Adam to keep feeling the way he's feeling, but only Gansey could fix this injury. Even if Noah could find the right words, they wouldn't mean the same thing coming from him.

It doesn't stop him from wishing he could.]

I really am sorry, Adam.

[And he would understand if Adam asked Cabeswater to block Noah out, not that he's sure it would work, but he would understand it. That also is a thing that should almost certainly not be said, though.]

[He nods, accepting that. He's not going to ask Cabeswater for any such thing - he's thought about it, but that would be crossing a line, and he's not ready to do that. Not even if he's mad at Noah. Not over something like this. He just wishes Noah would keep other people's secrets as secret as they're meant to be. There are a million things Adam doesn't want shared. He'd prefer to believe no one knows them, even.]

I'll figure it out.

[He runs a hand through his hair, already messy, making it messier.]

I should get some rest. We both should.

[Noah nods. He looks a bit silly, moving off the couch to stand, still ensconced in a blanket burrito so only his face is barely visible. It's amazing he didn't very loudly trip and fall down the stairs if this is how he snuck down them.]

Yeah. I'm still tired. You... sleep well, Adam.

You too. Good night, Noah.

[He turns to head to his own room. He doesn't really know if he'll be able to sleep - too many things to think about - but he'll try, at least. He just has to figure out how to deal with all of this, that's all. Then he can sleep.]

IC Inbox (Hadriel)

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